Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
