my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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