Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
