you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
