1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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