You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
