she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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