Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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