I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
