I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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