U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
