the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
