3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
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Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
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Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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