So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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