i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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