yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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