Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you mean i was at the winter classic?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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