The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
