I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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