you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
