____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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