I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm way too hungover for life right now
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