as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
