I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
