Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
