Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
