I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
