its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
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