i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
