i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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