I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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