All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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