Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
