woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
