my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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