They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
