I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
