Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
the condom got lost in my hair
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
