I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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