My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
