i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
how does that bad decision feel?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
