I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
