boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I AM VODKA MAN
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
