I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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