i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
