Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
