it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
