There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
