I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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