dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
