i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
