There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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