I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.