Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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