Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
