Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Randomize
