I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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