i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
