i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You made out with two different species that night
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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