WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I cannot find my penis.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
